DILEMMA… (or “a very silly post”, as I’m in a silly mood today)

I really like Ajay Devgan, but I can’t allow myself to have a crush on him – not even a teensy-weensy hemi-demi-semi one.

I like Ajay because he can pull off action hero (“Vijaypath” - was supposed to blog about it today but in too silly a mood to do a review), lover boy (“Ishq”), freedom fighter (“The Legend of Bhagat Singh”), ruthless career criminal (“Company”), honest policeman (“GangaJaal”) and silent, sensitive, nice guy (“Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam”); with equal aplomb. He makes each character believable. Although, in my opinion, he does strong and silent better than anything else, there definitely is some versatility to him. I like his style of acting, full of undertones and somehow kind of dark and just… interesting.

And now that I’ve established that I appreciate his depth as a serious actor, let’s move on to shall we say, ‘shallower’, grounds… ‘brown skin, you know I love your brown skin…’ India Arie sang that, and I must admit I do like Mr. Devgan’s honey-licious skin. I also like his wonky teeth (and the fact that he hasn’t had them straightened). I love that sideways smile he does, that transforms his face everytime he does it. I love it when he does that deadpan look that somehow also comes off as mean. I love that side-parted haircut of his… I think it suits him to a tee. I love his eyes, especially when he gets that intensity behind them. I love that lean mean rangy physique and that unstudied, groovy stride he has. And I like his bum… ooh, but now I feel bad for saying that.

Which brings me to my dilemma… while I like Ajay and think he’s one of the coolest cats in my Bolly-hood, I can’t bring myself to crush on him. Why? Because he’s married to Kajol, probably my fave contemporary Bollywood actress. And because, while I really know nothing about the ‘real’ Mrs. Devgan, from her movies and interviews she seems like just the kind of girl I would like. A fun-loving, creative, interesting, strong, opinionated, funny, feisty female with a slightly eccentric edge. The sort of girl I could picture myself having lunch, catching a movie, and going shopping with. The sort of girl who would be enthusiastic about life and passionate about the things she believes in. She seems like I would like her to have her as a friend. And although that’ll never happen in this lifetime, and she might very well NOT be the sort of person I’d get along with at all, I still like her, and I would still feel TOTALLY guilty for having a crush (even a silly, daft, playful one – as my crushes – and all good crushes - invariably are) on her husband.

Anyway, this is one celebrity marriage I’m definitely rooting for. I think this couple is so cute and talented, and I really hope they find a way to stay together and be happy despite the pressures of fame and career. The rumour mills have been churning out speculations about the state of your union, guys, but please try your best to keep the ‘Kajay’ show on the road. Someone’s rooting for you, Kajol and Ajay.

Kajol and Ajay Devgan on their wedding day.

HILARITY, THY NAME ART ENGLISH SUBTITLES

English subtitles – I have to live with them, as I definitely can’t live without them. I may love Hindi movies, but I certainly don’t love them enough to watch them sans subtitles. It’s just too much work. After just a few minutes of dialogue, my brain starts to hurt and I just am not having fun – and as the main reason I watch Bollywood movies is to have fun, this is unacceptable. So I definitely need my subtitles.

You know, I imagine doing subtitles is not the easiest job in the world, so maybe it’s unfair to gripe about them, but really – certain things about them can be annoying.

1. Minimalism: Sometimes a character says like a million things but they only put one line of text up. Having seen a lot of Hindi films, I’ve picked up a bit of the vocabulary, and oftentimes I can hear a character say something (sometimes a significant ‘something’) which the ‘sub-titler’ just can’t be bothered to translate. Having said that, subtitles can never convey all (or even most of) the subtleties and context of the original language, so maybe I shouldn’t criticise.

2. English subtitles for English speech: Now this is a pet peeve of mine. English is English is English. I hate this practice, and it’s done everywhere, especially on news channels like CNN. Note to 'subtitlers' everywhere: stop making people lazy by subtitling just because someone is speaking English with an unfamiliar accent. People need to start listening… carefully. Different accents are a beautiful thing. We need to learn to live with them – it’s the 21st century, for goodness’ sake (and now I'll get off my soapbox). Usually when they do English subtitles for English speech, the text is totally different from what the speaker is saying anyway.

3. SPG (Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar) errors: I just don’t like them, in any context.

4. Not subtitling the songs: They do subtitle them sometimes, but I wish they always would. The songs are a big part of my movie-viewing experience.

5. White subtitles on a white background (or black subtitles on a black background): I don’t know how many versions of the ‘Ek Rishtaa’ DVD there are, but anyone who’s watched the one I’ve got will be aware of the fact that right at the climax of the movie, the subtitles get lost in Amitabh’s white clothes. As in, it’s absolutely impossible to read them. I also don’t like teeny-weeny subtitles that you need a magnifying glass to read…

But for all their imperfections, and despite the fact that they will never be able to pass across the full meaning of what’s said in a movie (maybe I should just try to learn the language, huh?), I do love my subtitles. In fact, I’ve been spoilt by them – I simply won’t watch a Hindi movie that doesn’t have English subtitles – if it doesn’t, it’s going back to the shop. So they’re essential for me, and apart from that, they’re also often very entertaining, as in hilarious. Just about every Bollywood movie I’ve watched has had a couple of really funny subtitles to enhance my viewing pleasure… here are some from ‘Vijaypath’ (starring Ajay Devgan), which I watched recently and may review in my next post, maybe alongside ‘Indian’ (starring Sunny Deol).

Ha ha... you have to watch the film to 'get' this, but it's just hilarious. And it looks even more hilarious in black-and-white for some reason.

I love this because as a kid I was told not to 'dirty my clothes' so often. I just like the way the words put across that scold-y tone.

Why do these action heroes always make women do these gory things? The things women "have to" do for love in Bollywood movies...

Go on Ajay... show them your 'stupid face'. I like this because I can picture someone saying it.

I just love these lines... and I don't know why.

Really? Ha ha. 'Cos I'm so not.

He actually means 'try and get me out of here fast', well as we say, 'idea is need'. But the bit I love is 'I'm here near the lion' - it just sounds funny.