AN ENCOUNTER IN A LIFT...

Ever wondered what would happen if 10 Bollywood A-listers got into the same lift and embarked on a very slow journey from the ground floor to the top floor of the Bollyworld Building? Well, this rather unlikely event happened in one of my recent fantasies… and this is what ensued...

I am leaving out the names of the protagonists… you get to guess who said what…


No. 1 (on her cellphone): Aarrrgghhh!!! I am so stressed out… my schedules have been so hectic! I’m so tense!!! I really need a break. I was thinking about a fabulous shopping spree, or maybe a spa break, but No. 3 says he’d rather go skiing! Skiing? Can you imagine? I’m like, skiing frantically up and down some booorrrrinnng resort is the last thing I need right now!

No. 2 (shaking her head with disgust): Keep it down yaar! We don’t care about your shopping trips or spa breaks or whatever! Spoilt brat! And if you’re going to yak on and on like this when we start shooting soon, I might have to consider pulling out of this film… although I would really hate to do that to my darling No. 4…

No. 3 (adjusting his bandana): And also, No. 1, would you mind not complaining about me to your friends? And right in front of me too?

No. 4 (holding out his arms in a very ‘spontaneous’ pacifying gesture): Come on guys, we are all members of the same film fraternity. We love each other! And No. 2, you know you won’t pull out of my film, darling – you and No. 1 will be dynamite together on the big screen, darling, and you know it!

No. 5 (practising her poses in front of the mirror): I don’t know why you think anyone would be interested in seeing this film, No. 4! I mean, these are actresses of the older generation. They are like aunties to me. People want to see younger, trendier people on the big screen – you know that, right? People like… me. Even my dad always hides his age and pretends to be younger than he really is for this same reason. But please, although I know you must now be regretting casting these two dinosaurs, do not even thinking of casting me in your film. I only do films I strongly believe in and work with genius directors… not commercial suck-ups like you.

No. 2 (lifting her eyebrow): If that dinosaur thing was a dig at me, No. 5, don’t be so naïve. There are very few actresses that have the longevity that I have – that can go away for a few years and then come back and have a superhit film. The world appears to be at your feet now, but very soon you’ll be forced to eat humble pie. Just look at….

No. 6 (flexing his pecs): Me. Just look at me. I can’t believe I have to work so hard for recognition these days. Once upon a time, I was the toast of the industry. Now I have to engage in fights with other guys in the industry, make up fake relationship troubles, randomly hop on auto-rickshaws after weddings, even do the whole TV-show-host thing in a bid to get more airtime….

No. 7 (fluttering her lashes): Speaking of which, No. 6, can I be on your show, please? Please?? I love you so much… I’m your biggest fan… in fact, your super-sized posters are all over my bedroom…. And you know I am now a bona fide star in this industry, everyone is comparing my performance in my Hindi film debut to No. 2’s performance in….

No. 2 (rolling her eyes): Chup! Shut up! You are only a pale imitation of me at the moment. You certainly have potential, but if you spend all your time following No. 6 around (much as I love him and have always enjoyed working with him), you’ll end up with a boring, unchallenging career… kinda like….

No. 8 (trying hard not to look at No. 6): Hey, don’t say it. Please! Don’t ‘take her name’! Please watch what you say about my friend – we really bonded during our recent film together. I mean, with all due respect to you, she’s so much more than just a pretty face.

No. 6 (taking off his shirt in a fury): Kya? Why are you defending my girlfriend? Are you saying I’m not man enough to stand up for her? Are you spoiling for a fight, you idiot? Don't you remember what happened to the last guy that took me on? His career has gone down the tubes! Come on, let’s take this outside!

No. 4 (managing just in time to restrain himself from touching No. 6’s bare chest): Come on No. 6, come on guys. We are all part of the same Hindi film fraternity. Even when we fight, we love each oth—

No. 6: Shut up No. 4, what gives you the right to talk? I’m pissed off at you as well. Ever since my fantastic performance in your debut film, you haven’t cast me in anything else. Don’t you know I am a much better hero than that loser, traitor and fraud you keep using over and over?? And this idiot No. 8? Trying to pass him off as the latest hot and shirtless young stud in your last production was the ultimate insult to me….

No. 4 (quivering with equal measures of fear and excitement): So sorry No. 6… y-y-you know how much I respect your talents and….

No. 9 (snapping his fingers ever so coolly): Yeah, No. 6, come on, take a chill pill. You’re really scaring No. 4 and No. 8. You know, we really do all love you. Even I have never had anything but love for you, despite the fact that you emotionally, mentally and even possibly physically abused my wife back when you were dating… I’ve got nothing but love for you, dude!

No 10 (closing his eyes in ecstasy and running his fingers through his wig): Speaking of love… this is amazing. I mean, I love you all. 100 per cent. I feel so excited and inspired in the presence of all you huge stars. Thank you for blessing me. I feel so inspired – 100 per cent. In fact, I have just composed a song in honour of all of you great stars… please listen as I begin to sing it in humblest of tones…. Taaahhhhhhhnnnnnrrreeeeehhhhhnnnnnn ihhhhhhnnnnnnnnn elllleeeehhhhhnnnnnvaaayyyyyyyytoooorrrrrhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnn.

No. 1 (pounding on the lift’s doors): Waaaahhhhhhhh! Darwaza kholo!!!!


I know... no need to say it... I’m ridiculous. But I actually really enjoyed doing this... see you again soon(ish)....