MEHNDI LAGA KE RAKHNA...

Today is a momentous day in the history of my country, Nigeria. Less than two hours ago on this 'Democracy Day', our third elected president, Umaru Shehu Yar'Adua, was sworn in; in the first civilian-to-civilian handover in the history of this nation. Although I don't think the elections were credible, I am glad that the transition seems to be happening relatively peacefully.

Three elected presidents in almost 47 years of independence - not a great record, but at least we seem to be on the right track. For all the problems and mistakes of the last eight years, I don't think any Nigerian would prefer a dictatorial military administration to a civilian one. We definitely have a very long way to go, and I am optimistic, not because there are lots of reasons for optimism, but simply because I think there is no other option but to stay positive and hope that our new leaders will work towards a better Nigeria. But it's not just their job, every Nigerian has a role to play, and I firmly believe that, working together, we can make it happen.

There are many reasons I love Nigeria - our wonderfully rich tapestry of cultures and languages, our amazing history, art, music, cuisine; the fact that it's where I was born (and have lived all my life) and therefore feel most connected to, but most of all I love the Nigerian people. We are resilient, resourceful, beautiful, talented, strong, sincere, proud, hardworking, independent... and we have a fantastic sense of humour - no matter how tough life is, we keep smiling and laughing in the face of adversity. So many of us have the capacity to inspire others in so many ways. I am really, really proud of the Nigerian people. Yes, we do have our flaws, like every other nation, and we definitely have some bad eggs among us who have not exactly painted us in rosy hues across the world, but the majority of Nigerians are good people.

Everyday, I come across young people with integrity, decency, intellience, grace and just sheer grit and determination... and for this reason alone, I believe this country has a great future, regardless of all the hurdles that we'll need to scale to get there. Our fathers may have failed us, but we don't have to perpetuate the vicious cycle by failing our own children. I am so glad that I was born Nigerian, I'm so glad that I live in this wonderful, flawed, blessed, infuriating, complex, wonderful, crazy, beautiful, diverse, frustrating country, and.. well, I just LOVE my Naija (to the bone, as my Jamaican brothers would say).

Anyway, since I'm apparently in a patriotic mood today, I thought I'd post a few photos taken during my cousin's recent wedding. My cousin is from the (predominantly muslim and Hausa-speaking) northern part of the country, which meant that we (the younger females in the family) got to have 'laali' (or 'laale') applied. (Yayy!)

'Laale' is the Hausa name for the henna plant ('mehndi' in Hindi). The crushed leaves of the henna plant have been used for many, many years to decorate female skin, in many parts of Asia, Africa (especially Northern Africa) and the Middle East. In the eastern part of Nigeria, the henna plant is called 'uli', I'm not sure what it's called in the western part (it might be called 'laale' there as well). As children, we used to pluck the leaves of the plant and crush them, then apply them to our fingernails for a reddish stain - we called it 'natural nail polish'. It's important not to use 'laale' that's been mixed with PPD, because that can cause severe allergic reactions.

'Laale' is a HUGE part of Hausa weddings, and the bride, her friends and the young female members of the family, usually get 'laale' applied to their hands and feet. As you will see from the pictures, 'laale' designs look very different from 'mehndi' designs, they incorporate the cultural insignia and unique devices of Hausa art. Naturally, the bride's decorations are usually the most intricate and beautiful, and she may get 'laale' applied to many different parts of her body apart from her hands and feet. It is also customary to do some special designs for the groom's eyes only - on a part of her body only he will get to see after all the guests have left. 'Our' beautiful bride at this wedding had really beautiful and elegant 'laale' done, as these pictures show...

The rest of us mostly just got our hands done.... in this picture, most of us still have the 'fresh' henna on (we had not yet peeled off the thick paste). One of these hands is mine...

I know the Bollywood connection to this post is rather tenuous (although 'mehndi' is definitely a big part of Indian weddings, which are a huge part of Bollywood films, right? And there is A LOT of patriotism in some Bollywood films, right? So, not so way off after all)... anyway, I will hopefully be back with something 'really' Bollywood-related someday soon.

I’VE FOUND A NEW LOVE…

…to add to my long list of Bollywood-related loves…it’s ‘Koffee with Karan’… I love this show. I think Karan Johar is a good interviewer – he is not utterly consumed with himself (although he’s a pretty big movie celeb in his own right) and how ‘good’ his questions are, like so many interviewers subconsciously are – he just asks all the ‘right’ questions (i.e. all the stuff we really wanna know) and is delightfully unabashed about bringing up juicy bits of gossip, then dwelling on them and making his guests squirm a little. There’s a nice balance between ‘serious’ career/cinematic stuff and frivolous tabloid stuff in his interviews – there’s definitely more of the latter, and I must admit without shame that I’m ‘cheap’ enough to like that.

I also find Karan quite ‘real’ – he stays polite and tries to be balanced, but you can always tell when he particularly likes his subject (or dislikes them) – and he doesn’t try to sugarcoat stuff too much – he does put a little gloss on issues, but not too much. It’s a lot of fun to watch his body language when he’s talking with someone he doesn’t find particularly stimulating. He makes most of his guests feel at ease… at its best KWK is wonderful to watch, at its worst it’s still pretty interesting. There are a few things about the show, and its format and structure, that I find annoying (like the name), but on the whole, I love the show.

Lately I’ve been so taken with KWK that I’ve gone through quite a few episodes pretty quickly. Last night, however, I watched my fave KWK show so far – he had the sons of Raj Kapoor on – Randhir, Rishi and Rajiv. He also had one of their sisters, Reema, as well as Rishi’s wife Neetu, on the show. There was such a great vibe in the room, there was a real love among all the Kapoors that was really sweet and natural and not the least bit forced… even Karan was loving it. Towards the end, Reema went on and on about how her brothers tease her and won’t let her speak, and I just loved how the brothers all went quiet, leaned their heads to one side and gave her this indulgent look – you could just feel the love – it was so adorable.

The Kapoors were all really relaxed – they teased one another mercilessly, joked endlessly, and just had fun. They were honest and down-to-earth – cheerfully and freely discussing which of Randhir’s daughters (Karisma and Kareena) is a better actress (Rishi says Bebo, Randhir says Bebo has a better voice and has gotten better opportunities, but Rajiv prefers Lolo – I agree with Rajiv – when Kareena is good (‘Asoka’, ‘Omkara’) she is very very good, but when she is bad (‘K3G’, 'Dosti') she’s pretty darned horrid - I find Karisma far more consistent, and she's a much better dancer as well, which always helps in Bollywood); expressing honestly how nervous and scared they are about Ranbir Kapoor’s upcoming debut in Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s ‘Saawariya’; talking frankly about how good or bad some of their work has been.

I think it was just a great show and a lovely representation of an ordinary, real, imperfect, loving, fun, warts-and-all family – ironic that the family also just happens to be the ‘royal family’ of Indian cinema. Another show Karan did with Rishi and Neetu (as a couple) also happens to be an audience favourite – I can see why after viewing this one, and of course I have to see the Rishi/Neetu one soon.

For any interested parties: it was once possible to find and watch full KWK episodes on YouTube, but Star has (quite rightly) taken ownership of their product and it's harder to do that now. You can still view short extracts on YouTube, though. To download full shows (legally – there are of course always those ‘other’ means), go here (and pay just a little money - it's a pretty good deal, I think). Or you can get it on DVD at Play.

'Apne' News...

... well not news, exactly, more like just another promotional picture of my dear Dharam and his sons in their upcoming movie 'Apne'...

Over on YouTube, I found the teaser for the movie, as well as the teaser for a song (from the movie) called 'Mehfuz Rakhta Hoon'. The former - quite cheesy, with lots of slow-mo running and plenty of Bobby's hair flying behind him in the wind... but it's kinda cute at the end - and of course cheesiness is only to be expected in a project like this one. The latter features Bobby and Katrina Kaif, neither of whom are great dancers - but I guess it looks fairly good anyway ... they look sorta cute and sweet together, I think. They just might be on to something - instead of pairing bad dancers with good ones in a bid to compensate for bad dancing, why not just put the bad ones together - they'll end up looking nice and cute and goofy, in a weird, funny kind of way.

... anyway, I really hope this movie turns out good... I've said it before but I really do.

‘AWĀRA’ (1952) – A Liveblog

I’ve decided to give liveblogging another try – incidentally the subject of my second liveblog also stars Nargis, this time with the legendary Raj Kapoor, in ‘Awāra’ (1952), a film also directed and produced by Kapoor. It’s the story of a fatherless boy named Raj (played by Raj Kapoor), who is forced by circumstance and a vengeful dacoit named Jagga, into a life as ‘awāra’, a vagabond. It’s also the story of Rita (played by Nargis), a young woman torn between the love of her life (Raj) and the man who has been her benefactor since the loss of her father, the strict Judge Raghunath (played by Prithviraj Kapoor, Raj Kapoor’s father). But there is a link between Raj and the honourable judge that is actually the fuel in the engine of this entire story.

‘Awāra’ is a story about unconditional love, trust, forgiveness, frailty and loss. It’s a story about relationships, prejudice and the factors which determine who we are and what we become. It’s about self-discovery, human empathy, physical attraction and need. It’s also a story about sacrifice, survival and second chances. It’s a great story for a movie, but more than that, it’s told with a lot of class and grace. And the acting is marvellous. I am notoriously easy to please, but I truly think this film is special – I think it’s a slice of cinematic magic.

And now to the liveblog:

0.01.50 I love the boy and dog in the credits… there’s just something about it.

0.04.23 Eeee feelolo… this judge guy really feels like he’s all that and a big fat bag of chips…

0.05.49 Talk about presence – I don’t think Nargis could ever manage to sneak into a room…

0.07.19 I love the way RK is shot behind the grill thingy.

0.11.41 This song is quite scary but good.

0.12.18 I love the way her expression betrays her discomfort but not in a prolonged or over-dramatic way.

0.16.46 Eeyah Jagga… what’s the point of all the bitterness? Let it go…

0.18.53 Aww… how romantic…

0.19.32 I love the way the music is linked to the light…

0.19.49 I love that look on her face, like the cat that’s got the cream and is so pleased with it…

0.19.51 Such effortless intimacy… but I rather think he should be catering to his wife who’s just undergone severe trauma, not the other way around. Sigh.

0.20.53 You should have told him why you asked, Leela – gosh now he’s going to start getting foolish ideas… I guess this is a pointer to the fact that Leela really knows Raghu and already has an insight into what he might start thinking...

0.21.11 Gerrout, you dis judge! How selfish can you get?

0.21.44 This is brilliant – the little bootie is like a noose hanging over his head, he looks utterly terrified but he’s saying ‘achche’ (or however it’s spelt). Brilliant.

0.23.15 What a sour old witch… but I guess it’s not really her fault that societies are indoctrinated with such prejudicial ideas surrounding female ‘chastity’. So unfair.

0.23.34 This is what we call ‘guilty kongi’. I like the framing of this shot. Raj Kapoor obviously put a lot of detail and planning into his shots.

0.26.19 Why are some women so mean and evil to other women? Eeuw…

0.27.29 Raghu, you are a weak, pathetic excuse for a man. What’s wrong with you?

0.28.07 I know nothing about the technicalities of film-making, but I love RK’s technique – the use of lighting and sound effects…

0.33.17 Great dialogue. I guess the moral of this is that a boy needs some male influence in his life.

0.34.43 Oh hey ho what fun – to go around bursting balloons on your birthday. This little girl seems a bit strange – I like her.

0.37.31 Raghu, even with all your education, can’t you be a little open-minded? Just goes to show that it’s not about one’s level of education…

0.37.37 Exac-atac-ly Raghu, must you?

0.38.45 Wow, I love this…

0.39.33 Poor little boy… he’s your thoroughly undeserving father.

0.44.09 I love everything about this scene, from the dialogue, to the grimness, to the acting, to the melodrama, to the way it’s been shot.

0.50.35 ‘Awāra hoon’ – I like this song and the fun Chaplin-esque picturisation – but it’s sad.

0.53.41 And ‘shaabash’ to you too Jaggu, for trying to destroy an innocent child’s life in pursuit of your cheap, sick and twisted revenge agenda.

0.57.24 So there’s another ‘Ek, Do, Teen’ besides the Madhuri number. I like this one. Very fifties (naturally).

1.03.43 Oya o, e don do… give the lady back her purse.

1.11.50 I am really liking the dialogues in this film – very well-written. If I can appreciate them through English subtitles, I can only imagine how good they are in Hindi.

1.13.20 RK was really painstaking and artistic in the way he lined up his shots – very interesting to see in a movie this old. The new kids on the block could learn a thing or two from him.

1.13.30 It’s interesting to see Nargis playing this polished, put-together, upper-class chick; I last saw her playing a simple, uneducated village maiden. Both roles she played to perfection.

1.14.14 I also think she was just so gorgeous.

1.14.28 This scene is so natural, you can really ‘feel’ the characters. Lovely.

1.15.05 Brilliant.

1.16.41 That is just so cute – the little sub-scene with the servant. I just love the attention to detail in this film.

1.19.38 I love that gleam in her eye, like she’s got a secret and she’s only telling half of it.

1.20.34 Wow, that simple gesture expresses so much, yet looks so unpractised.

1.20.37 Another wonderfully-framed shot.

1.22.29 Trés sassy.

1.22.40 It strikes me that most of RK’s acting is communicated through his eyes. I feel like I could just cover up the rest of his face and still ‘get’ the core of what his character is feeling just through those two windows.

1.22.46 Very natural, and so sensuous.

1.23.34 Whoa, it was fun and flirtatiousness just a second ago – now it’s all slaps and recriminations… eeuw… Raj, shame on you for taking out your guilt on her.

1.23.38 You’ve got to admire RK’s artistic eye.

1.25.09 Again, I have to comment on the sheer quality of the dialogues.

1.27.25 Now that is a beautiful, expressive face – for me Nargis is one of the most beautiful actresses ever.

1.29.15 I love the lyrics of this song – the tune is great too. And I love the look in their eyes – I love how RK seems to be basking in the reflected light of Nargis’ eyes… great picturization.

1.35.27 This Jagga is a jagajaga man

1.40.19 I am just thinking of the fact that this was made in the early 50s – it couldn’t have been easy to put this all together – and with such finesse too. Shows that Bollywood has a really distinguished heritage.

1.48.49 Oh dear, now all the sadness comes…

2.01.57 Oh how delightfully upper-crust. No wonder Raj feels under pressure.

2.04.52 I’m crushed for Rita and Raj.

2.06.54 This lady looks caucasian - and the item-number girl did as well. Helen had the same look in her heyday - so they liked item girls with pale skin I guess... interesting.

2.09.53 I love the use of music in this film – it’s obvious RK loved music… and the songs fit into the film so well.

2.11.57 Okunrin yii, o fine gaan.

2.14.33 These two are so beautiful together. They have such great chemistry. 'Real life' couples don't always work on the big-screen - these two so totally did.

2.15.31 Now that’s love… props to you Rita… you’re a true friend. If it were me, I can’t say I’d do the same.

2.17.02 I think this would be a tough scene to do with your real-life father. These two do so great with it, but it’s a painful scene to watch.

2.21.02 Ironic that this man who’s had such a hugely negative influence on Raj’s life isn’t even known to his mother.

2.24.31 Oh no…

2.29.48 You are ashamed eh, you dis nonsense man! I don’t blame you.

2.31.01 Great acting by RK – I can really feel his pain and frustration.

2.33.07 How can you possibly understand, you silly judge, when you have no true concept of love?

2.35.02 Again, I love the dialogues.

2.36.55 All I can say is ‘wow’… brilliance all round.

2.42.57 Oh no, they’ve gone and made me cry…

2.44.21 Beautiful woman.

2.45.20 I think I’m in love with the late Raj Kapoor now… those eyes, that intensity and charm… interesting how it all seems to be a family trait… have to find me some more of his films now…

2.47.07 Oh wow… be still my throbbing heart. Great ending.

I’ve loved this movie… for me, it’s pretty darned close to perfect… I love absolutely everything about it – the script, the lessons in the story, the characters, the acting, the music, the technical brilliance. Everything. It is heavy fare though, so hopefully, the next liveblog (should there be one) will be all fun and candy floss…

Suneel Darshan: Commercial but not so classy

A successful Bollywood director was once asked: So should stars do a different kind of cinema?

His response: Different is a wrong word. We should stop striving to make different films and concentrate on making classy, commercial films.

I think that quote pretty much sums up what Suneel Darshan, the subject of this post (and the director referred to above), tries to do as a film-maker. It’s a bit odd that he has a problem with ‘different’ films, though. I mean, it’s one thing to prefer to do things a certain way, and quite another to discourage doing things differently. But anyway, in past posts, I have praised the adventurousness and edginess of Ram Gopal Verma’s work, and the charm and simplicity of the films made by the late Hrishikesh Mukherjee. I decided to do a post on Darshan’s films when I realized that of the eight films he has directed so far (the most recent being ‘Shakalaka Boom Boom’ (SLBB)), I’ve seen five. Not bad. But I’ll admit that I haven’t consciously sought them out.

Interestingly, Suneel is not the only filmmaker in his family. His brother Dharmesh has directed successful films like ‘Dhadkan’ and ‘Raja Hindustani’. Also, his son is about to enter the industry as an actor – I wonder if Suneel and his kid will be able to pull off a Roshan-type debut successfully.

When I think of the Suneel Darshan movies I’ve seen, I would definitely say they are ‘commercial’ – they are very formulaic, deliberately aimed at achieving box-office success by pushing the buttons of the target cinema-going audience. I’m no snob, and I know that filmmakers need to eat, so I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. However, I do think there’s a problem when filmmakers, in the quest for commercial success, start to insult the intelligence of their audience. I think cinema-goers are a lot smarter than some directors give them credit for – and Darshan, unfortunately, seems to be one of those directors.

In the interview referred to above, Darshan talks about making ‘classy’ commercial movies. I’m not sure he’s not achieved a ‘classy’ touch to his movies – commercial they are, but classy? When I think of ‘class’; I think of elegance, understatement, sophistication, style, grace and taste. These are not words that truly describe the Darshan movies I’ve seen. The films are not irredeemable, they do have certain things to recommend them, but classy? Hmm… the jury’s still out on that one. Having said that, though, he can make an entertaining (if slightly shallow) type of film when he tries.

There are some common denominators to the Darshan films I’ve seen – catchy, trendy music; stereotypical characters, gloss (think snazzy clothes and loads of make-up), some skin and sexiness, some good drama, lots and lots of heightened emotion, romance, a bit of gore, cheesiness galore, and love scenes that go a little further than most Bollywood films (see the Akshay/Karisma scenes in ‘Mere Jeevan Sathi’ and ‘Ek Rishtaa’).

Speaking of Akshay Kumar and Karisma Kapoor; like every other filmmaker, Darshan has his usual suspects. He seems to love Akshay very much (of the 5 Darshan movies I’ve seen so far, Akki shows up in 4), Lolo, Bobby Deol and (in smaller doses) Juhi Chawla and Mohnish Behl. Darshan seems to have shifted his focus from Akshay to Bobby a bit – he gave Bobby a role previously reserved for Akshay (‘Barsaat’, which would probably have fared much better with Akshay in the lead role – not because Akki is better than Bobby, but because he’s much cheesier), and also gave him a lead role in SLBB. Darshan has said in an interview (can't find it right now) that he thinks Bobby is best actor in the Deol family (needless to say, I disagree).

Anyway, on to the Darshan movies I’ve seen (in the order in which I viewed them):

‘Ek Rishtaa – The Bond of Love’: I’ve blogged about this movie before here… I liked this film, and it’s the Darshan movie I’ve liked the most. Its music was quite sweet, I thought most of the songs were very good. The story was fine, until about three-quarters of the film, when it just seemed to get out-of-control – it felt like the writer was grasping at straws, trying to wrap it all up in a hurry. On balance, though, the story was not bad at all.

The star cast, led by Amitabh Bachchan and Rakhee, worked together quite effectively. I liked the way Akshay and Amitabh interpreted the father/son relationship of their characters. Mohnish Behl and Juhi Chawla did quite well too.

Karisma (playing Nisha) and Akshay (playing Ajay) were a cute couple and had nice chemistry together (I love their ‘Mohabbat Ne’ number), but the biggest problem I had with the film revolved around these characters. The story was quite sexist in the way Nisha’s place in Ajay’s family was treated. Nisha made her share of mistakes and apologized for them – but Ajay treated her pretty badly as well, and never apologized or even admitted to being wrong. Their story was also quite shoddily resolved, which was pretty annoying – after spending a lot of time on how the couple got together and the crisis they faced, the resolution was pretty much thrown away. In fact the entire ending was unsatisfactory – the closing scene is particularly cheesy, unrealistic and irritating, and detracts from the overall standard of the film.

Having said all that, I liked ‘Ek Rishtaa’.

‘Jaanwar’: Oh, ‘Jaanwar’. I said a bit about it here. It’s impossible to take this film seriously, really. But its heart is in the right place. The film is one big stereotype, packed to the gills with many smaller stereotypes that don’t always work well together. But, its heart is in the right place. ‘Jaanwar’ opens with a vicious car-chase, making it clear that this is one of the films that won Akshay his ‘action hero’ stars when he was younger. Then we see that Akshay’s character (‘Badshah’) has been trapped in a life of crime since childhood, by an evil ‘Fagin’ (from Dickens’ ‘Oliver Twist’) type. Of course, this is a respected Bollywood plot device – I recently saw it brilliantly deployed by Raj Kapoor in ‘Awaara’ in the ’50s.

Before long, we come to a scene with Karisma Kapoor (playing ‘Sapna’) dancing for money. She too is oppressed, by a mean uncle who’s greedy enough to sell her body to the neighbourhood lecher. Naturally, Badshah comes to her rescue just in time – but oops, I forgot to mention that before that, she had saved his life and nursed him very prettily, so he’s kinda returning the favour. Of course, they fall in love… but things don’t go smoothly for their relationship...

To cut a long story short, Badshah, so sadly led into crime in his youth, serendipitously gets the opportunity to bring up an adorable little kid on the straight and narrow – and of course, he abandons crime in order to do so. Unfortunately, the kid actually belongs to a young couple (played by Mohnish Behl and Shilpa Shetty), who, when they find him, are desperate to get him back. Meanwhile, the Fagin-type that was abandoned by Badshah re-discovers him and wants his pound of flesh. Sapna manages to return to the story as well. CRISIS! And resolution – everyone ends up happy somehow (except for the bad guys, of course). And did I mention that Johnny Lever is in there for laughs? Ha ha.

Yup, that’s the kind of film ‘Jaanwar’ is – it has a little bit of every major Bollywood stereotype out there in its mix, and it doesn’t always work, but you just can’t bring yourself to dislike it. It’s really cheesy, but it’s also quite entertaining. And the earnestness of the actors makes it work, somehow. There are some cute moments, some amusing ones that are actually meant to be serious (the ‘comic’ moments are actually not funny at all – Lever is wasted in this one), and it’s so funny to see Akshay sporting some luscious long brown tresses (they made him look sooo funny), wielding a hammer, and shouting angrily and passionately at every opportunity (one thing I will say for Akshay: he is game for everything, no matter how mad or daft – a bit like Salman actually – and the ridiculous, silly part of me totally respects that). In short, it’s all harmless good fun.

‘Dosti: Friends Forever’: I blogged about ‘Dosti’ here… the leads were not bad but the details were pretty appalling. I still can’t get over the fact that the kids aged 20 years but the world stayed exactly the same. And the female roles were really bland and uninteresting – I can almost conclude that Darshan doesn’t have much use for women in his films – he seems to use them a bit like fashion accessories – a tear from a neatly-kajal-ed eye here, a flash of leg there, a little conflict over a very undeserving man there.

‘Barsaat’: I’ve also blogged about this one before – here. Bobby Deol was miscast, but Bipasha Basu was even more so. The film just doesn’t work.

Humans or dolls? You decide.

‘Mere Jeevan Sathi’: My most recent expedition into Darshan’s world, and one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a while. Released last year, MJS is the story of a woman (played by Karisma), who is obsessed with an up-and-coming singer (played by Akshay Kumar: a very cringeworthy performance, in a role that’s too young for him). Unfortunately for the obsessed lover, our singing hero is already in a serious relationship with his high school sweetheart (played by Amisha Patel). This, naturally, does not stop him from making a mistake that sorta messes up his life for a while.

These poses by Akshay in 'Mere Jeevan Sathi' still leave me absolutely gob-smacked.

What can I say about this film? It’s really trashy and the story is just dumb and annoying – from beginning to end. The performances are nothing to write home about – Akki, in particular, makes you cringe – he is just so OTT and cheesy. Lolo and Amisha are given the most horrendous, hackneyed lines ever. Lolo is not bad in some bits, but she totally overdoes the ‘femme fatale’ thing and becomes a sort of caricature. Amisha is way too sweet – any sweeter and she’d turn into a big ol’ bag of sugar. And the Akshay/Karisma love scene I mentioned earlier in this post probably was striving for tasteful sensuality, but it’s really just trashy and a bit eeuw.

There is so much to dislike in MJS, so many scenes and moments that make you cringe, so much senselessness in the plot… I can’t even begin to tell it. You do get a sense for what they were trying to do – it’s an attempt to have ‘grey’ characters – Karisma’s crazed character is portrayed quite sympathetically… but I’m sorry, I just think it’s all a load of rubbish – not much thought seems to have been put into it. So much is just pointless and/or extremely annoying (I wouldn’t mind the former as much – this is Bollywood, right? – if there weren’t so much of the latter).

They put so much eye make-up on Amisha for this movie, that sometimes you just can't see the whites of her eyes. Frightening.

There’s an older MJS, released in 1972 and starring Rajesh Khanna and Tanuja, that’s quite an interesting movie – some extremely camp and OTT grooviness, a storyline that’s a bit bizarre (different from the new one, although naturally there’s a love triangle – or two – in there as well – sigh), some great RD Burman music, and a really fun and silly lead role that only Khanna could play with such skewed relish. It’s a fun and sometimes even thought-provoking memento of the time in which it was made.

I wish I could say something complimentary about Darshan’s MJS, but I can’t – I could say Amisha and Karisma look great, but that would be praising Darshan’s apparent penchant for showing off the beauty of his female stars and just not giving them much (or much that’s meaningful or sensible) to do. I could say the songs are not that bad, but then I didn’t really like them either. So I’ll just say this is an awful film. A pity to end this piece on a downer, but there you go. I think – no, I know, that Darshan can do better than this mediocre film – what I’ve heard about SLBB isn’t promising, but hopefully he’ll do better next time. There's always next time.

You should know there's something amiss when the guest at your engagement ceremoy has wind blowing in her hair and you don't.

And just because it's fun, here are a couple of funny subtitles from MJS:

1. 'What do you take me for...? A prostitute? A blood whore?' This subtitle is less funny than disturbing, actually.

2. 'I'm free! Free! Free from my dreams!' This one's kind of weird 'cos Akshay actually says this in English, not Hindi, so there is no real need for subtitles. Except he says 'free from your dreams'. The funniest thing about it is the grandiose arm movements he makes, though.

And, finally, a very classy goodbye from Akshay: